i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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