Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Randomize
