I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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