I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
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