Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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