the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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