miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Randomize
