is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
