my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
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