Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
