Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Randomize
