I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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