Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
