3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
My feet surprised me
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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