It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
