she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
