I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
