I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
