So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
