God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Come on in and take your pants off
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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