Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
