Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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