I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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