So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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