How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
