Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
