Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Randomize
