Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Randomize
