just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
It's shark week go big or go home
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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