$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Randomize
