at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
