so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
