I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.�
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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