May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
