dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
