How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
