Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
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