we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
