haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
