You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Randomize
