So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
