I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
