My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Randomize
