I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
