I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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