If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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