i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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