you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
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