my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
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