Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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