let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
i dont even know how to be here
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
